Slice of Life
This is a column I wrote for the Ashland Times-Gazette. The year it was written, I won first, second and third place AP awards in News Writing, Editorial Writing and Column Writing.
| Clothes Encounters
of the worst kind
I learned to hate clothes at an early age.
A lot of it had to do with my friend Michael’s hand-me-downs.
Michael was a year behind me in school and five years ahead of me in growth. He was ready for the big and tall men’s store by sixth grade.
Thanks to Michael, I didn’t get to wear one piece of new clothing until prom night. And that was only because I put my foot down, which sounded pretty darned impressive inside a size 14 tennis shoe.
But that might be considered a moral victory because the tux was rented.
I came to know Michael through my mother, who met his mom at a Goodwill collection bin. Michael’s mom was making a deposit. My mother was making a withdrawal.
My mother picked up one of Michael’s old shirts, looked it over and said, “Irvin might grow into this someday.”
Fat chance, I thought. Unless I end up going to a school where they use the rack for corporal punishment.
Michael’s clothes fit me like a glove — a baseball glove.
His jackets fit me like a pup tent. Not every mother can clothe her kids and put a roof over their heads at the same time.
Mom never let me forget that, thanks to Michael, we saved a bundle on clothes.
But at what cost? I always was a social outcast because my clothes were either four sizes too big or out of style by the time I grew into them. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t convince mom that you can’t be a fashion plate when you’re wearing leftovers.
School made me hate clothes even more. We had strict dress codes. (You younger readers might want to ask your parents about this.) We weren’t allowed to wear blue jeans, T-shirts or athletic shoes.
Our principal, Gen. Patton’s evil twin, believed improper dress would lead to unacceptable behavior — such as thinking for yourself or speaking your mind.
Today’s dress codes aren’t nearly as strict. Blue jeans, T-shirts and athletic shoes are considered formal wear.
But there are some restrictions. In most school districts, students aren’t allowed to wear shirts with obscene slogans, undershorts outside their pants or duct tape. Except on dress-down day.
More and more employers are discovering the virtues of dress-down days. Researchers have found that allowing employees to dress casually one day a week increases productivity. It’s only a question of time before they figure out that, if employees are allowed to dress casually five days a week, productivity would go off the charts.
I used to hate shopping for clothes. It’s hard to say which was worst; the crowds, obnoxious sales people or paying 50 bucks for a pair of pants.
Then I discovered Goodwill. Where else can you shop unmolested and replace your whole wardrobe for less than you pay for a shirt at the mall?
However, there is something unsettling about rummaging through the bins at Goodwill and wondering whether any of the clothes in there were donated by my friend Michael.
Worse yet, I’m haunted by the one thought we all dread — that maybe mom was right after all.
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